Depression

I don't know what to do with anything. I was working temp as a cashier this past week & found myself falling down that rabbit hole of despair, the 'here we go again' one. I just feel utterly pointless. I have friends & family who I care about, but they don't pay my bills (mom helps with keeping me fed though) & I can't seem to do much of anything outside of them. I really don't feel like myself, not that I really know what myself is, at all. I feel completely like I've lived for other people, that I'm alive for other people. I can't seem to do anything without someone's approval or involvement. So I'm not happy, & being clinically depressed means that I think about how I'm not me, how I disappoint people, how I have no future, & I'm a burden to everyone goes running through my head constantly. My meds have helped leave it in the background keeping me from spiralling so far out of depth that I don't try to kill myself & that I can function day to day, but they don't help me out of my mess. I maintain. If I go off my meds I'll kill myself, there's no maybe, I know I will. But going off my meds just means that I remain as I am & that I will have a panic attack every few months when I notice my life hasn't changed. I've asked my family doctor for a recommendation for a therapist, but I only have OHIP so the wait list for someone covered is insainly long. I've done group stuff, which is usually like 'be your own therapist' stuff & I'm terrible at that. Also one of the groups I went to I was the youngest one there at 30 & compared to everyone else there I had no real issues.